mag
Heeb Issue #1 : Urban KvetchUrban Kvetch
Brooklyn Babylon, Vader Abraham, Senator Diane Feinstein and more
Vader Abraham im Land der Schlümpfe
I’m assuming that Vader Abraham is the guy on the cover of this obscure vinyl 45”, but why is he singing love songs to oversized Smurfs? Is he supposed to be Hasidic or just a creepy old German? We all know that the Smurfs were an anti-Semitic race of four hundred little blue men and one blonde chick living in constant fear of a Jewish giant named Gargamel, but where (someone please help us out here) oh where the fuck does Vader Abraham fit into the picture? A close examination of the cover art reveals Vader holding these giant Smurfs by their vital pressure points and even fearless Papa Smurf looks worried. The record was made in 1978, and we can only pray that Vader Abraham has since left the little blue guys alone, joined some kind of twelve-step program, and stopped making records.
SEMITIC ONE
Manishewitz cherry wine
Different fruit, same toxic dreck. Really, wasn’t it insulting enough to do this to grapes? They should have quit while they were ahead (with everyone passed out in the puke on their seder plates.) As always, drinking more than a bottle induces a psychedelic trance similar to a k-hole along with memory loss, dizziness, and the possibility of violence. How did the Manischewitz family lock down the kosher table-wine industry with this shite? We smell corruption.
LATISHA FINKELSTEIN
Gabriel Snyder, New York Observer columnist
Last summer, Snyder called asking to interview us for his column Off the Record. Although he’s a sniveling, pallid Yalie with food stains on his shirt, we do have to credit him for expertly lulling us into a comfort zone of off-color remarks. But then he rambled on for half an hour after the interview was ostensibly over about the life of an underpaid Observer staffer, and how starting a new magazine is his and every other young media hack’s big dream. Um, can we leave yet? He transcribed all the “likes” in our quotes and portrayed us as vapid idiots. Now, we can be portrayed as pretentious, naive, bitchy, or inexperienced—all without veering too far from the truth. Stupidity is one that had never been lobbed before. It’s okay, though—as a good friend reassured us, being skewered by the Observer makes you a real New Yorker. Guess we should have sent him a box of Tide as thanks.
JENNIFER BLEYER
Brooklyn Babylon, directed by Marc Levin
Everyone from the New York Times to Artisan, the company that funded it, hated this updated King Solomon and Queen of Sheeba love story. They hated it so much that it never saw the inside of a major movie theater, and went straight to the sorry-ass shelves of Blockbuster. But we kinda liked its hype soundtrack by the Roots crew, and Tariq Trotter was extra sexy when he slipped that Hasidic girl the Hebrew National. A short summary: Black Black Black, Jewish Jewish Jewish. Black Jewish. Jewish Black. Jack Blewish.
LATISHA FINKELSTEIN
Bible Bar
The OG vegan Rice Krispy Treat. The label says that it’s made from a recipe in Deuteronomy. We must have missed that page. But is it a mitzvah to eat one? And back in the desert were they called Bible Bars, or just plain Bars? They’re actually pretty tasty—a solid munchie standby, chock full o’ nuts.
SEMITIC ONE
Tie-Dyed Yarmulke
It’s a special way of saying “Yeah, I gotta wear this thing, but I’m really a wild and crazy guy with lots of funky dance moves. I don’t turn on the lights during Shabbos, but come Saturday night, I break out the Phish bootlegs and say brachas on bong hits”. You go, rebel.
LENNY BRUCE LEE
Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Calif.)
Diane Feinstein is the uber-carpool mom. Just look at her. Now imagine that it’s 7:35 on Sunday morning and you scramble out to her honking station wagon. You’re sitting in the back seat, nice and warm in your winter jacket, when suddenly she starts in: We need to ban the gun-show loophole. The minimum wage ought to be higher. Education for our children must be improved, and so on and so forth. All this, and she still gets you to Hebrew school on time. Lady, you can drive my car.
ERIC SALZMAN
Ari Fleischer, presidential spokesperson
Where the hell did this guy come from and who’s letting him run around with a name like that? YOU’RE EMBARASSING US. Our president can’t tell his lasso from his boots, and who’s out there in front telling the country about international treaties abandoned, civil liberties evaporated, and wars picked with schoolyard-bully bravado and no end in sight? Who’s the one who told questioning Americans to “watch what they say?” Ari Fleischer, that’s who. We’d like to ask the Pope a few questions about excommunication.
KAYA RUBIN
The Black Hat
This style is truly fly. Not only does it go with any outfit, but the black fedora is just straight hustler. Humphrey Bogart might have popularized it, but the Baal Shem Tov pioneered the look at least three hundred years before Casablanca hit, and way before it made its way into a Jay-Z video. Ask any Hasid why he wears it and he’ll say it’s tradition. But they know as well as any other pimp or player that a well-made black hat is a way of saying. “Girl, I got a fat bank roll, I got mad style, and I got some shit up under this lid.” Player play on.
LENNY BRUCE LEE
King Zionic Root Drink
Another fun, vaguely familiar find from the West Indian depths of Brooklyn. This one evokes images of muscular Rastas at work, quenching their Zionic Man thirst with funny-sounding herbs: The ingredients list “four-man strength” and “strong back” — surely stuff to put hair on your chest. But it’s balanced with something called “nerve wist” which, we suppose, is for the average sweaty, anxious desk drone with Zionist leanings. The thick silt at the bottom of the bottle can be saved and used as a secret ingredient for something, but we don’t know what. Definitely much tastier than Manischewitz cherry wine.
LATISHA FINKELSTEIN
I’m assuming that Vader Abraham is the guy on the cover of this obscure vinyl 45”, but why is he singing love songs to oversized Smurfs? Is he supposed to be Hasidic or just a creepy old German? We all know that the Smurfs were an anti-Semitic race of four hundred little blue men and one blonde chick living in constant fear of a Jewish giant named Gargamel, but where (someone please help us out here) oh where the fuck does Vader Abraham fit into the picture? A close examination of the cover art reveals Vader holding these giant Smurfs by their vital pressure points and even fearless Papa Smurf looks worried. The record was made in 1978, and we can only pray that Vader Abraham has since left the little blue guys alone, joined some kind of twelve-step program, and stopped making records.
SEMITIC ONE
Manishewitz cherry wine
Different fruit, same toxic dreck. Really, wasn’t it insulting enough to do this to grapes? They should have quit while they were ahead (with everyone passed out in the puke on their seder plates.) As always, drinking more than a bottle induces a psychedelic trance similar to a k-hole along with memory loss, dizziness, and the possibility of violence. How did the Manischewitz family lock down the kosher table-wine industry with this shite? We smell corruption.
LATISHA FINKELSTEIN
Gabriel Snyder, New York Observer columnist
Last summer, Snyder called asking to interview us for his column Off the Record. Although he’s a sniveling, pallid Yalie with food stains on his shirt, we do have to credit him for expertly lulling us into a comfort zone of off-color remarks. But then he rambled on for half an hour after the interview was ostensibly over about the life of an underpaid Observer staffer, and how starting a new magazine is his and every other young media hack’s big dream. Um, can we leave yet? He transcribed all the “likes” in our quotes and portrayed us as vapid idiots. Now, we can be portrayed as pretentious, naive, bitchy, or inexperienced—all without veering too far from the truth. Stupidity is one that had never been lobbed before. It’s okay, though—as a good friend reassured us, being skewered by the Observer makes you a real New Yorker. Guess we should have sent him a box of Tide as thanks.
JENNIFER BLEYER
Brooklyn Babylon, directed by Marc Levin
Everyone from the New York Times to Artisan, the company that funded it, hated this updated King Solomon and Queen of Sheeba love story. They hated it so much that it never saw the inside of a major movie theater, and went straight to the sorry-ass shelves of Blockbuster. But we kinda liked its hype soundtrack by the Roots crew, and Tariq Trotter was extra sexy when he slipped that Hasidic girl the Hebrew National. A short summary: Black Black Black, Jewish Jewish Jewish. Black Jewish. Jewish Black. Jack Blewish.
LATISHA FINKELSTEIN
Bible Bar
The OG vegan Rice Krispy Treat. The label says that it’s made from a recipe in Deuteronomy. We must have missed that page. But is it a mitzvah to eat one? And back in the desert were they called Bible Bars, or just plain Bars? They’re actually pretty tasty—a solid munchie standby, chock full o’ nuts.
SEMITIC ONE
Tie-Dyed Yarmulke
It’s a special way of saying “Yeah, I gotta wear this thing, but I’m really a wild and crazy guy with lots of funky dance moves. I don’t turn on the lights during Shabbos, but come Saturday night, I break out the Phish bootlegs and say brachas on bong hits”. You go, rebel.
LENNY BRUCE LEE
Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Calif.)
Diane Feinstein is the uber-carpool mom. Just look at her. Now imagine that it’s 7:35 on Sunday morning and you scramble out to her honking station wagon. You’re sitting in the back seat, nice and warm in your winter jacket, when suddenly she starts in: We need to ban the gun-show loophole. The minimum wage ought to be higher. Education for our children must be improved, and so on and so forth. All this, and she still gets you to Hebrew school on time. Lady, you can drive my car.
ERIC SALZMAN
Ari Fleischer, presidential spokesperson
Where the hell did this guy come from and who’s letting him run around with a name like that? YOU’RE EMBARASSING US. Our president can’t tell his lasso from his boots, and who’s out there in front telling the country about international treaties abandoned, civil liberties evaporated, and wars picked with schoolyard-bully bravado and no end in sight? Who’s the one who told questioning Americans to “watch what they say?” Ari Fleischer, that’s who. We’d like to ask the Pope a few questions about excommunication.
KAYA RUBIN
The Black Hat
This style is truly fly. Not only does it go with any outfit, but the black fedora is just straight hustler. Humphrey Bogart might have popularized it, but the Baal Shem Tov pioneered the look at least three hundred years before Casablanca hit, and way before it made its way into a Jay-Z video. Ask any Hasid why he wears it and he’ll say it’s tradition. But they know as well as any other pimp or player that a well-made black hat is a way of saying. “Girl, I got a fat bank roll, I got mad style, and I got some shit up under this lid.” Player play on.
LENNY BRUCE LEE
King Zionic Root Drink
Another fun, vaguely familiar find from the West Indian depths of Brooklyn. This one evokes images of muscular Rastas at work, quenching their Zionic Man thirst with funny-sounding herbs: The ingredients list “four-man strength” and “strong back” — surely stuff to put hair on your chest. But it’s balanced with something called “nerve wist” which, we suppose, is for the average sweaty, anxious desk drone with Zionist leanings. The thick silt at the bottom of the bottle can be saved and used as a secret ingredient for something, but we don’t know what. Definitely much tastier than Manischewitz cherry wine.
LATISHA FINKELSTEIN
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