mag
Heeb Issue #5 : Urban KvetchUrban Kvetch
Public Nail Clipping, The Family Guy, The Wandering Jew and more
Public Nail Clipping
There can’t be anything more emblematic of the erosion of civic virtue in this nation than the disturbing development of public nail clipping. It’s so acceptable to do your nails in public that clippers now come connected to key chains. (What happened to the good old rabbit’s foot?) Sorry dude, the subway is not the appropriate place to trim your hangnail. What’s next, wiping your ass on the bus?
YID VICIOUS
*Family Guy*
What network jackass decided that the Family Guy episode titled “When You Wish Upon a Weinstein” was too controversial to air? Now viewable on DVD, the episode is just plain funny, making fun of people who exoticize Judaism—not Jews themselves. The episode is worth watching if only for the scene in which Peter sees all the famous people he never knew were Jewish, including half of Lenny Kravitz.
GINA KAUFMANN
Fur Coats
Fur coats are really sexy to furry animals like bears, Sasquatch, and middle-aged Israeli men. Lady, if you’re trying to be attractive in that thing, you’re only attracting foxes, rodents and seals who are desperately looking for their lost children. Believe me, seals are terrible in bed (except when they’ve been drinking and how often is that?), and even wealthy minks don’t have stock portfolios, pension plans or condos in Miami.
LENNY BRUCE LEE
The Wandering Jew
Early botanists must have recognized this leafy plant’s Jewish characteristics: the full, bushy growth of its kinky Semitic flora, its ability to survive no matter the extremity of its conditions, the way it forever seeks its place in the sun while maintaining its rootedness. It never changed its name to “The Wandering Plant of Mosaic Faith” to try and assimilate either.
SEMITIC ONE
Aleph-Bet Yoga
The latest mishigas from New Age Jews prescribes embodying individual Hebrew letters in order to achieve spiritual enlightenment. According to its creators, bending over backwards into a “mem” (as in “Miriam”) not only strengthens the shins, but also enhances Jewishness—as if a regular yoga class full of voluntary suffering isn’t Jewish enough. Best performed at a self-help temple, preferably on another planet.
SHANA LIEBMAN
*The Rebbe’s Court*
The world’s first ultra-orthodox soap opera, The Rebbe’s Court, which premiered on Jerusalem TV this past fall, offers a new twist on the traditional daytime drama. According to cast member Oded Menaster, the half-hour show “is all about subtlety, slowness and respect.” Bubbe forgets to buy Shabbas candles, but everyone forgives her. Mordechai eats too much kugel. With intrigue like this, what’s next? Peyis of our Lives?
SHANDA LEAR
Shelley Goldberg
Cable station NY1’s “parenting consultant” begins each of her insufferable segments by condescending to her audience. “I’m sort of like a helper for mom and dad,” she says in a tone that would drive even the most benevolent child to beat her with a lunchbox. Her best advice? “Take your children seriously; strive for consensus.” Goldberg is like every old, wizened Jewish lady we vow never to become.
RAVEN SNOOK
Madeleine
Would everybody please shut up about Marcel Proust’s madeleine? Honestly, you’d think his entire kaleidoscopic epic was about baked goods. The cookie passage takes up less than one page of the seven-volume series. If, after a few thousand pages of piercing insights wrapped in sinuous prose, all you take home from In Search of Lost Time is a cookie, then you’ve got some problems. You probably thought Paradise Lost was about fresh fruit.
JAIME WOLF
“Un-PC”
Invoking this phrase somehow lends a veneer of heroism to even the most un-heroic of expressions. Say, “Maybe this is un-PC, but the problem with this country is too many immigrants,” and your listeners will applaud your courage. The irony is that being “un-PC” is itself merely the politically correct term for what, in more honest times, was routinely referred to as being “a mean-spirited bastard.”
DAVID DEUTSCH
There can’t be anything more emblematic of the erosion of civic virtue in this nation than the disturbing development of public nail clipping. It’s so acceptable to do your nails in public that clippers now come connected to key chains. (What happened to the good old rabbit’s foot?) Sorry dude, the subway is not the appropriate place to trim your hangnail. What’s next, wiping your ass on the bus?
YID VICIOUS
*Family Guy*
What network jackass decided that the Family Guy episode titled “When You Wish Upon a Weinstein” was too controversial to air? Now viewable on DVD, the episode is just plain funny, making fun of people who exoticize Judaism—not Jews themselves. The episode is worth watching if only for the scene in which Peter sees all the famous people he never knew were Jewish, including half of Lenny Kravitz.
GINA KAUFMANN
Fur Coats
Fur coats are really sexy to furry animals like bears, Sasquatch, and middle-aged Israeli men. Lady, if you’re trying to be attractive in that thing, you’re only attracting foxes, rodents and seals who are desperately looking for their lost children. Believe me, seals are terrible in bed (except when they’ve been drinking and how often is that?), and even wealthy minks don’t have stock portfolios, pension plans or condos in Miami.
LENNY BRUCE LEE
The Wandering Jew
Early botanists must have recognized this leafy plant’s Jewish characteristics: the full, bushy growth of its kinky Semitic flora, its ability to survive no matter the extremity of its conditions, the way it forever seeks its place in the sun while maintaining its rootedness. It never changed its name to “The Wandering Plant of Mosaic Faith” to try and assimilate either.
SEMITIC ONE
Aleph-Bet Yoga
The latest mishigas from New Age Jews prescribes embodying individual Hebrew letters in order to achieve spiritual enlightenment. According to its creators, bending over backwards into a “mem” (as in “Miriam”) not only strengthens the shins, but also enhances Jewishness—as if a regular yoga class full of voluntary suffering isn’t Jewish enough. Best performed at a self-help temple, preferably on another planet.
SHANA LIEBMAN
*The Rebbe’s Court*
The world’s first ultra-orthodox soap opera, The Rebbe’s Court, which premiered on Jerusalem TV this past fall, offers a new twist on the traditional daytime drama. According to cast member Oded Menaster, the half-hour show “is all about subtlety, slowness and respect.” Bubbe forgets to buy Shabbas candles, but everyone forgives her. Mordechai eats too much kugel. With intrigue like this, what’s next? Peyis of our Lives?
SHANDA LEAR
Shelley Goldberg
Cable station NY1’s “parenting consultant” begins each of her insufferable segments by condescending to her audience. “I’m sort of like a helper for mom and dad,” she says in a tone that would drive even the most benevolent child to beat her with a lunchbox. Her best advice? “Take your children seriously; strive for consensus.” Goldberg is like every old, wizened Jewish lady we vow never to become.
RAVEN SNOOK
Madeleine
Would everybody please shut up about Marcel Proust’s madeleine? Honestly, you’d think his entire kaleidoscopic epic was about baked goods. The cookie passage takes up less than one page of the seven-volume series. If, after a few thousand pages of piercing insights wrapped in sinuous prose, all you take home from In Search of Lost Time is a cookie, then you’ve got some problems. You probably thought Paradise Lost was about fresh fruit.
JAIME WOLF
“Un-PC”
Invoking this phrase somehow lends a veneer of heroism to even the most un-heroic of expressions. Say, “Maybe this is un-PC, but the problem with this country is too many immigrants,” and your listeners will applaud your courage. The irony is that being “un-PC” is itself merely the politically correct term for what, in more honest times, was routinely referred to as being “a mean-spirited bastard.”
DAVID DEUTSCH
comments
submit a comment