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Heeb Issue #15 : In the BeginningUrban Kvetch
Girls Who “Already Ate”
I order a big hunk of lasagna and you get a house salad because you “already ate.” Excuse me? Either you’re a bitch for putting me through six different e-mail exchanges dedicated to finding a mutually acceptable restaurant in a mutually accessible location or you’re lying to cover for an eating disorder. I can’t decide which one makes me want to shove my regular-sized meal into your face more.
REBECCA WIENER
Pasadena
If I got off on buying the same crewneck sweater in eight different colors at Talbots, this’d be heaven. I used to live within a mile of the beach and a 14-theater AMC; now I’ve got a giant sign that says, “God is Still Speaking” looming outside my bedroom window. They shot The Graduate in Pasadena and after living here just 16 hours, I can already see why Anne Bancroft got so fucking bored that she bedded Dustin Hoffman.
MALINA SAVAL
Red Eye With Greg Gutfled On Fox News
As if we needed more proof that reactionary politics make for bad satire. Red Eye seems like something that would have come out of a pitch meeting featuring Karl Rove after a night at a keg party. The host is the upwardly failing Greg Gutfeld, an even-more-retarded version of Bill O’Reilly who actually resembles a retarded John C. Reilly. Its 2:00 a.m. timeslot is perfect for timeless bits such as the “Greg-alogue” and noteworthy guests like R. Lee Ermey. Z-z-z-z-z-z.
SOL MANILLA
Fat Personal Trainers
Is it too much to ask to be assigned a personal trainer who’s actually in shape? Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not really inspired to finish up my French curls when the guy cheering me on is the spitting image of Ernest Borgnine. In fact, the only thing less inspiring is when the girl on the Stairmaster in front of me is shaped like Beth Ditto—not exactly a carrot on a stick, you know?
YID VICIOUS
The Homeless Guy In Union Square Who Asks Me If I Can Spare A Penny
Who do you think you’re dealing with here? This is like trying to hit Superman with a baseball bat. My guilt-o-meter has been calibrated by pitch-perfect childhood angst. Come on. You don’t really want a penny. You want me to feel like your situation is so dire that a penny would help you. Just ask me for a dollar, you passive-aggressive fuck. Don’t play Jedi mind games with me. You’re dealing with the Yoda of neuroses.
JOSHUA NEUMAN
Hanes’ “Artist On Artist” On Myspace
Is there anyone out there who really craves to see Steve Carrell talking one-on-one with the Rock? Or Michael Moore chat with Tom Morello? This is just a transparent attempt to package two random celebrities with projects to promote under the Hanes brand. As if someone’s going to think, “Oh! Hanes got their buddy Jonathan Lethem to ask Rob Schneider about physical comedy? I think I’ll buy some boxer briefs.” Sorry Hanes, you have managed to produce the online equivalent of a shit stain.
YID VICIOUS
Seinfeld References
Don’t assume that because I’m a Jewish New Yorker I know what you’re talking about when you say, “It’s like when Jerry wore the puffy shirt!” and squeal with delight, pointing to my down jacket. Okay, maybe I have seen that Seinfeld episode, but come on—after 1,000 years of syndication, isn’t it time to retire that routine? Couldn’t you at least quote Curb Your Enthusiasm?
MICHAEL MOSHAN
Skin Bronzer
Africans and Asians around the world spend billions of dollars annually on skin bleaching creams and white people think, “How sad.” Get real, you orange-glowing hypocrites. Bronzing creams make you look like an alien with a skin cancer fetish. Furthermore, there is nothing un-sexier than waking up from a night of passion to massive bronze skid marks on your sheets.
KATE PRESS
FREETOWN, SIERRA LEONE
(READER SUBMITTED)
Send your 75-word complaints to us at kvetch@heebmagazine.com and we’ll print the best one in our next issue.
I order a big hunk of lasagna and you get a house salad because you “already ate.” Excuse me? Either you’re a bitch for putting me through six different e-mail exchanges dedicated to finding a mutually acceptable restaurant in a mutually accessible location or you’re lying to cover for an eating disorder. I can’t decide which one makes me want to shove my regular-sized meal into your face more.
REBECCA WIENER
Pasadena
If I got off on buying the same crewneck sweater in eight different colors at Talbots, this’d be heaven. I used to live within a mile of the beach and a 14-theater AMC; now I’ve got a giant sign that says, “God is Still Speaking” looming outside my bedroom window. They shot The Graduate in Pasadena and after living here just 16 hours, I can already see why Anne Bancroft got so fucking bored that she bedded Dustin Hoffman.
MALINA SAVAL
Red Eye With Greg Gutfled On Fox News
As if we needed more proof that reactionary politics make for bad satire. Red Eye seems like something that would have come out of a pitch meeting featuring Karl Rove after a night at a keg party. The host is the upwardly failing Greg Gutfeld, an even-more-retarded version of Bill O’Reilly who actually resembles a retarded John C. Reilly. Its 2:00 a.m. timeslot is perfect for timeless bits such as the “Greg-alogue” and noteworthy guests like R. Lee Ermey. Z-z-z-z-z-z.
SOL MANILLA
Fat Personal Trainers
Is it too much to ask to be assigned a personal trainer who’s actually in shape? Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not really inspired to finish up my French curls when the guy cheering me on is the spitting image of Ernest Borgnine. In fact, the only thing less inspiring is when the girl on the Stairmaster in front of me is shaped like Beth Ditto—not exactly a carrot on a stick, you know?
YID VICIOUS
The Homeless Guy In Union Square Who Asks Me If I Can Spare A Penny
Who do you think you’re dealing with here? This is like trying to hit Superman with a baseball bat. My guilt-o-meter has been calibrated by pitch-perfect childhood angst. Come on. You don’t really want a penny. You want me to feel like your situation is so dire that a penny would help you. Just ask me for a dollar, you passive-aggressive fuck. Don’t play Jedi mind games with me. You’re dealing with the Yoda of neuroses.
JOSHUA NEUMAN
Hanes’ “Artist On Artist” On Myspace
Is there anyone out there who really craves to see Steve Carrell talking one-on-one with the Rock? Or Michael Moore chat with Tom Morello? This is just a transparent attempt to package two random celebrities with projects to promote under the Hanes brand. As if someone’s going to think, “Oh! Hanes got their buddy Jonathan Lethem to ask Rob Schneider about physical comedy? I think I’ll buy some boxer briefs.” Sorry Hanes, you have managed to produce the online equivalent of a shit stain.
YID VICIOUS
Seinfeld References
Don’t assume that because I’m a Jewish New Yorker I know what you’re talking about when you say, “It’s like when Jerry wore the puffy shirt!” and squeal with delight, pointing to my down jacket. Okay, maybe I have seen that Seinfeld episode, but come on—after 1,000 years of syndication, isn’t it time to retire that routine? Couldn’t you at least quote Curb Your Enthusiasm?
MICHAEL MOSHAN
Skin Bronzer
Africans and Asians around the world spend billions of dollars annually on skin bleaching creams and white people think, “How sad.” Get real, you orange-glowing hypocrites. Bronzing creams make you look like an alien with a skin cancer fetish. Furthermore, there is nothing un-sexier than waking up from a night of passion to massive bronze skid marks on your sheets.
KATE PRESS
FREETOWN, SIERRA LEONE
(READER SUBMITTED)
Send your 75-word complaints to us at kvetch@heebmagazine.com and we’ll print the best one in our next issue.
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