mag
Heeb Issue #11 : Urban KvetchUrban Kvetch
Our Founding Fathers
Just because they dressed like dorks it doesn’t mean they would’ve been Republican assholes like you if they were around today. You think because Jefferson believed in “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” he’d be “pro-life”? You think that because Ben Franklin liked to shoot at deer in the woods he’d be all for semi-automatic machine guns being sold at Wal-Mart? Come on. Ben Franklin would’ve smote your ass with lightning.
YID VICIOUS
Two Dimes and a Nickel
The ice cream comes out to $4.50. I give you a five and you give me a quarter, two dimes and a nickel. Are you rationing for some pinball war I should know about? You’ve got plenty of quarters left in the register. It’s common fucking courtesy. If you don’t want to give me two quarters, then change the price to $4.75 or something. I don’t want to deal with your issues when I’ve got laundry to do. Seriously, I’m wearing bathing suits as underwear for chrissakes.
JOSHUA NEUMAN
James Lipton Referencing Will Ferrell’s Impression of Him
There’s only one thing worse than listening to your smarmy meditations on the genius of Mary Stuart Masterson: listening to you follow it up with a remark about Will Ferrell’s impression of your smarmy meditations. The fact that you know you’re a walking parody does not immunize you from the ridicule you deserve. No, it only makes things worse. If you were really taking Will Ferrell’s impression to heart, you’d stop acting like Less Than Zero was Citizen Kane.
SETH OLENICK
E-mails from John Kerry
This is even more annoying than when my uncle e-mails me lame jokes that have been circulating around his office or pictures of Bush with a chimpanzee face. I get more spam from John Kerry than I do from Viagra. You lost. Yes, I voted for your ass, but not ’cause I wanted a pep talk about committee hearings in my inbox every week for four years. So stop spamming me. Start your own cable network or something.
ELLIOT RATZMAN
Hospital Roommates
So, you’ve got some horrible illness that lands you in the hospital and puts you in a perpetual state of discomfort. What a great time to get to meet “Arnie,” your new roommate. Who was the architectural genius with the insight to make every hospital room double-occupancy? Did it not occur to anybody that when you need a restful, low-stress and, not to mention, germ-free environment, it might not be the best time to get to know another diseased individual?
THE GRAND CONSPIRATOR
My Ex-Girlfriend
We broke up amicably. You aren’t seeing anybody and neither am I. And you wouldn’t be giving up anything that you haven’t already. We have done this before since our breakup, so what’s the big deal? I consider this to be the most important factor in determining whether every breakup is actually an amicable one. You said you were happy to see me. I would have preferred you to be a bit happier.
DAVID KELSEY
The Death of Adverbs
No, I won’t “play fair.” I refuse to “get home safe.” Hogtie me Gitmo-style and I still won’t “think different.” Rage, I say, rage against the dying of the adverb! This stately part of speech is taking a beating from the globalization of English, text-messaging and white-boy Ebonics. Deadliest by far, though, is your lazy ass. Keep it up, and adverbs will handily beat the polar ice caps to extinction.
JAIME WOLF
Habitat For Humanity
You took a five-and-a-half hour flight to New Orleans, spent a four-day weekend at the Marriot and hammered three nails into a piece of wood. Don’t tell me how great it feels to “give something back.” You could’ve done more good just by donating the price of the flight, hotel and overalls. So do the world a favor and spare us the Bob Vila routine. Go re-do your kitchen or something.
REBECCA WIENER
Your Friend’s One-Woman Show
You failed to mention that the one-woman, off-off-Broadway show you invited me to last Thursday night was being presented by a friend of yours. Yeah, you managed to omit that part until we sat down amidst the six or seven other friends and relatives obliged to attend. You know what? I’ve got enough untalented friends of my own quoting Waiting for Godot in front of a cardboard cutout of the Western Wall.
ADAM BARUCHOWITZ
Just because they dressed like dorks it doesn’t mean they would’ve been Republican assholes like you if they were around today. You think because Jefferson believed in “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” he’d be “pro-life”? You think that because Ben Franklin liked to shoot at deer in the woods he’d be all for semi-automatic machine guns being sold at Wal-Mart? Come on. Ben Franklin would’ve smote your ass with lightning.
YID VICIOUS
Two Dimes and a Nickel
The ice cream comes out to $4.50. I give you a five and you give me a quarter, two dimes and a nickel. Are you rationing for some pinball war I should know about? You’ve got plenty of quarters left in the register. It’s common fucking courtesy. If you don’t want to give me two quarters, then change the price to $4.75 or something. I don’t want to deal with your issues when I’ve got laundry to do. Seriously, I’m wearing bathing suits as underwear for chrissakes.
JOSHUA NEUMAN
James Lipton Referencing Will Ferrell’s Impression of Him
There’s only one thing worse than listening to your smarmy meditations on the genius of Mary Stuart Masterson: listening to you follow it up with a remark about Will Ferrell’s impression of your smarmy meditations. The fact that you know you’re a walking parody does not immunize you from the ridicule you deserve. No, it only makes things worse. If you were really taking Will Ferrell’s impression to heart, you’d stop acting like Less Than Zero was Citizen Kane.
SETH OLENICK
E-mails from John Kerry
This is even more annoying than when my uncle e-mails me lame jokes that have been circulating around his office or pictures of Bush with a chimpanzee face. I get more spam from John Kerry than I do from Viagra. You lost. Yes, I voted for your ass, but not ’cause I wanted a pep talk about committee hearings in my inbox every week for four years. So stop spamming me. Start your own cable network or something.
ELLIOT RATZMAN
Hospital Roommates
So, you’ve got some horrible illness that lands you in the hospital and puts you in a perpetual state of discomfort. What a great time to get to meet “Arnie,” your new roommate. Who was the architectural genius with the insight to make every hospital room double-occupancy? Did it not occur to anybody that when you need a restful, low-stress and, not to mention, germ-free environment, it might not be the best time to get to know another diseased individual?
THE GRAND CONSPIRATOR
My Ex-Girlfriend
We broke up amicably. You aren’t seeing anybody and neither am I. And you wouldn’t be giving up anything that you haven’t already. We have done this before since our breakup, so what’s the big deal? I consider this to be the most important factor in determining whether every breakup is actually an amicable one. You said you were happy to see me. I would have preferred you to be a bit happier.
DAVID KELSEY
The Death of Adverbs
No, I won’t “play fair.” I refuse to “get home safe.” Hogtie me Gitmo-style and I still won’t “think different.” Rage, I say, rage against the dying of the adverb! This stately part of speech is taking a beating from the globalization of English, text-messaging and white-boy Ebonics. Deadliest by far, though, is your lazy ass. Keep it up, and adverbs will handily beat the polar ice caps to extinction.
JAIME WOLF
Habitat For Humanity
You took a five-and-a-half hour flight to New Orleans, spent a four-day weekend at the Marriot and hammered three nails into a piece of wood. Don’t tell me how great it feels to “give something back.” You could’ve done more good just by donating the price of the flight, hotel and overalls. So do the world a favor and spare us the Bob Vila routine. Go re-do your kitchen or something.
REBECCA WIENER
Your Friend’s One-Woman Show
You failed to mention that the one-woman, off-off-Broadway show you invited me to last Thursday night was being presented by a friend of yours. Yeah, you managed to omit that part until we sat down amidst the six or seven other friends and relatives obliged to attend. You know what? I’ve got enough untalented friends of my own quoting Waiting for Godot in front of a cardboard cutout of the Western Wall.
ADAM BARUCHOWITZ
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